Good days and bad days

This month Clementine has continued to conquer new milestones and master ones she's been working on.  She has almost outgrown her play gym since she rolls over and around so much she gets tangled up in it then frustrated, so she spends more time on her playmat now where she has room to spread out.  This past week she discovered that her toes are the world's best chew toy and that she finally has the ab strength to mostly hold her self upright.  She still teeters over at a moment's notice but is much better at staying up and righting herself when she leans forward to grab a toy.  This seemed to indicate it was a good time to get her clip-on high chair out so it gives us another way to let her sit in a room with us while we're eating or doing something.  We have her clipped to the table in the breakfast nook and she likes to play with her toys while we're cooking or eating which is a nice change of pace.  She'll be starting solids in a few weeks, so we figured it's a good time to get her used to her chair now.

Modeling her starship captain's high chair.

And we still haven't figured out a rhythm with her quite yet.  I'm starting to figure out when to get her down for morning naps (around 9 and 11:45), but the afternoon has been a real crap shoot this week.  I can get her asleep on me, but the minute I transfer her to her crib she is up and crying no matter how many times I start over.  For my own sanity, my rule has been that I won't try putting her to sleep for longer than she will sleep, so after 40 minutes of trying I give up and we play instead.  From what I've read she's also supposed to be at the age to transition to 2 longer naps a day rather than 3, but she's been doing more like 4 since she cat naps (20-45min).  Every now and then she'll surprise me with a glorious 1.5hr nap but it's never predictable.  She does seem to be better at staying up longer now (for about 2 hours) before she turns into a mess.  We've been trying a few things from the No Cry Sleep Solution book, but it seems some of this is just a phase she needs to work through.

When it comes down to it, Clementine is actually a good sweet happy baby, but when she's tired you can tell she's off her game, and if she doesn't get enough sleep she eventually melts into a sad little baby complete with quivering bottom lip.  Otherwise she's not a crier - if she fusses it's because she was left alone too long or we missed her hungry or sleepy cues, otherwise she's pretty laid back.  So when she does her meltdown cry (which is very different than her I'm not thrilled about something or I'm hungry fussing), then I take notice because she is very clearly trying to send a message of genuine distress which, if ignored, turns into hyperventilating/choking extreme distress cry which is scary and heartbreaking.

So it's funny when people tell me, "Oh, it's ok, babies cry", because I know that - babies evolved to cry to let us know when something is wrong or jeopardizing their survival (too cold, hungry, can't breathe, etc), it's their one self preservation skill.  But her meltdown cry is something else entirely different.  So I do live in genuine fear of being somewhere in public and not being able to help her through a meltdown since she could literally cry herself into a blackout (the more she cries the worse it gets).  So far the only way to break the cycle is to nurse here somewhere quiet until she dozes off.  She has good days and bad days - days that I really enjoy being a mom and like spending time with her and feel like I can do this - like last weekend when we took a long walk with her while she napped, came home enjoyed time in her kiddie pool, made dinner, then went to the park before sunset for some playtime and it was a magical day (pictures here).  The next day we went down to Anna Maria and she slept the whole day down and back and we had fun pool time and all was well - a wonderful weekend which was in stark contrast to the previous week when she shrieked the whole way down to and back from Anna Maria and hated the sight of her stroller (an entirely bad weekend for her).

One of the good days.... playing with her toes.

A family outing to Vinoy Park at sunset.

So at this point I have to tell myself we have good days and bad days and I don't get to pick when or where and just have to go with it (which is also true of any adult).  I also just pray that the good days will outnumber the bad days in any given week.  I will finally start getting some help in the form of sitters (and Granzie) for a few hours a week so I can start trying to get some stuff done for work.  With her unpredictable naps and spending more time awake needing interaction I have had very little time to get anything done (this is the first time I've cracked open my laptop in 2 weeks!).  I'm hoping that's going to change with some help.

I am also hoping her fussiness from last week was still her working on her first tooth - she would only sleep on me or not at all last week, but was getting better about being down at night for longer periods before waking up for a quick snack.  She's showing all the classic teething signs, but still no tooth yet.

5 months

At the end of August Clementine turned 5 months - at this point she's over 18 lbs 3oz (97%tile) and over 25.75" (78%tile) long as per our last pediatrician visit.  I got some photos but she was definitely feeling more subdued than normal when I take these photos.  I can't blame her, she's been busy mastering lots of skills - she rolls over easily both ways now, she can spin around to reach things, she's blowing raspberries and talking our ears off, she can easily take a toy from us and put it in her mouth (her hand eye coordination is getting good), she can support her weight when we help her stand, she is getting closer to supporting herself while sitting, is doing some big time push ups ("tripoding"?), she has an incredible interest in our food when we eat and frequently gets her hands on our plates (Wade usually eats dinner with her sitting in his lap bellied right up to the table with him).  It's exciting to think she'll get to start solids next month and we're hoping it'll be an avocado or sweet potato from our yard for her first bites.  My mom ordered C's dining wear this week so we can let her start playing with her spoon and bowl while we eat dinner - give her something to do and help her get used to them. We're also hoping she'll get her first underwater plunge in the pool once she hits the 6 month mark too.  Below is a video of her splashing in the pool (her favorite activity) this weekend while we were visiting with my Aunt Titi and Uncle Rick.

I've been working to improve her napping, and despite some small signs of improvement at night, the day hasn't changed much.  In fact this past weekend was pretty awful for her since any time in her car seat meant a meltdown which made us feel like we were torturing her.  Thankfully Labor Day was better since we stayed close to home to let her recover.  We were able to get some chores done around the house and let C get caught up on sleep.  Last night we also packed up the co-sleeper and the swing to send them back to the friend we borrowed them from - she was just too big for both of them now and only seemed to be frustrated by the swing.

Oh my, 5 months old already?!

And some folks have asked how things are going for me since my last post was a bit of a downer.  I am feeling somewhat better - I've been trying to get out more and have had some small successes there which have helped.  Being outside and seeing friends are a huge help and I'm eagerly anticipating cooler weather when I can get out and walk with C more often.  I'm hoping we can finally get a patio put in this Christmas for me to enjoy with C so even if it's a bad day, we can both get some fresh air.  I've also been looking for a tree swing so C can enjoy the yard too.   

Ah, yes, that's what bottom feels like....

While the trials and tribulations of our cat-napper wear on, it's been a challenge to leave the house with her since she won't just fall asleep somewhere in public (it's honestly a MIRACLE if she does).  This is compounded by the fact that a constantly tired nearly 5 month old baby doesn't really like to be awake for more than 1.5 hours at a time (shorten that to a hour if we're out in public and she's overstimulated).  From what we've read she's working through "Wonder Week 19" and it should get better soon, but the last two weeks of this came to a head this week for me when she refused to nap at all on Tuesday and she cried a lot - then I did too.  It was pretty sad - she was miserable, I was feeling powerless because all of my efforts to help her were a giant FAIL so we both just cried all morning.  Wade knew it was officially rock bottom when I finally admitted that maybe I should borrow someone's swing to see if it helps (Spoiler alert: It did not help - it's real live people or nothing for her.).  So two wonderful friends came to my rescue that day - one brought the swing while the other brought lunch and they both managed to help me salvage my sanity.  It was amazing.

My takeaway lesson is that I have got to figure out ways to get out of the house with her to ward off the insidious seeds of depression.  The next day we actually did get out of the house in what I can only term a giant feat of pushing me outside of my comfort zone.  A dear friend/neighbor and her 9 month old got us out of the house - we walked/strolled all the way along the water to downtown to enjoy her pool membership at the Vinoy.  I have always been a water baby and love the pool (and C appears to be as well) so I went against the nagging voice of fear (What if it's a colossal failure and she melts down while we're out?!) and committed to it.  I have never walked that much with C before (over 1 hour and ~2.5mi one way) so I wasn't sure what we'd do if she wasn't happy about it (we've taken evening walks about half that and she has lost it before).  Thankfully our timing must have been good and she napped the whole way down and back.  She enjoyed some pool time and we had a hurried lunch but eventually the meltdown monster reared it's ugly head - she'd been awake too long and it was hot and bright out so I couldn't nurse her down to sleep on me while in a shaded lounger on the deck.  Eventually we made a run for the air-conditioned sitting room inside where I could quietly nurse her to sleep them slip her in the stroller where she stayed down until we got home.  However it was fairly traumatic to hear her get to that point of no return when she hits the infinite loop of cough-crying where she can't breath and turns red in the face and I couldn't do anything until we could get to the sitting room a 3 minute walk away.  I feel like I'm causing her brain damage when it happens - as if it's a seizure or something because she gets all hot and red and her eyes glaze over when she hyperventillate/cries and when it's over she's unfocused while she nurses and I feel like no one's home behind her eyes she's so overwrought by it all (this is also what happens in the car and did again the next day after lunch with a friend).  So it was good to see we can both survive an outing (admittedly, I was thisclose to calling a cab to take us home since I didn't think she's sleep in the stroller).  I clearly need to build up my confidence as a mom but also my competence about how to handle being a mom in public (what to pack or not, how to calm her if I can't just lay down with her, how to keep her from getting overworked).  When I got home Wade asked if it was fun and it was tough to answer - it was really nice to get out and spend time with a friend by the pool, but at the same time it wasn't exactly fun because it was so much work.  I have a new found appreciation this week for single mom's or moms who are out in public going about their business with kids in tow.  I am used to having my crap together when out and about - being efficient and productive, but now my bar is "Clementine is still alive, has not injured herself or eaten anything dangerous - ok, we're good."  I am hoping with practice I'll get better and more of these things will become second nature and I won't have to think about them as much, but it's small things like: "where to put the baby when you have to pee and you're alone?" or "how to change clothes and not let the baby fall over if you can't put her down?" or "how to quickly run out to the car for something you forgot (wallet, stroller, etc) when you're alone but have already dropped all your crap where you are?"  You get the idea.  In the last year I've usually been the person to try to open a door or something for a mom with her hands full in public, but I honestly am clueless about how to help with kids so I never know what to offer friends.  But now, I know when friends are around, at least I can now offer a spare set of hands because even that is a miracle.

4 months

Just as we got home form NC, the Little Lady turned 4 months old - what the what?!  Where did 4 months go!?  (Oh right, I've been living in a cave...)

I managed to get some shots of her, but she's clearly not as willing to sit still anymore. lol  You can see the file I started for 4mo. pictures here.

Are we done here?

That following weekend we headed out to the beach to celebrate Wade's new job, which largely consisted of us lounging by the pool or beach and one afternoon of driving around and shopping while the Little Lady napped in the car. :)  Check out some pics and video here.

Oh July....

July was pretty action packed and I feel like it went by faster than the speed of light.  For the Fourth of July weekend we stayed closed to home and tried to do fun things since we weren't able to do our usual weekend on the beach.  We grilled out for the holiday and gave the Little Lady her first dip in her kiddie pool (purchased specifically for the holiday weekend) as well as blew bubbles for her the first time (she was kind of oblivious to them).  It was also kind of grey and blah that day, so it wasn't quite hot enough for her to do more than scowl at the water in her pool.  She sure did look cute in her little swim diaper though!

Later that weekend we finally took the little lady to the beach for the first time.  It was stormy and overcast so at first we weren't sure it was going to work, but then we realized it was good because it kept it form being too bright for the Little Lady.  This was also the first time we debuted her sunglasses - they actually fit and she liked them! Unfortunately though, we forgot our good waterproof camera so we only had my iPhone to use for pictures - not the best, but at least we got the shots and we were even able to get a video. :)  She took it all in stride and seemed to enjoy the warm water.  The stormy sky made for some really dramatic coloring which was nice.

After the holiday weekend, we spent the week packing up for our big road trip to visit Mom and Larry in NC, meet up with Wade's folks, go camping, and hopefully swing by Atlanta to see friends and family.  That last week before we left was pretty brutal - packing for 3 of us was a lot of work considering I didn't have any help during the day (and she wasn't napping much) and in the evenings she only stayed asleep if I was in bed with her, so I couldn't get much done at night.  Wade was also nose deep in prep for 2 jobs interviews so his evenings were spent prepping for those as well.  By the time Saturday morning came around and it was time to get the rental car, I could not start vacation soon enough.  We had a rocky start with the rental car company but finally got everything squared away before loading up the van and heading out.  The plan was to drive 5 hours then stop in Tifton, GA at a nice Hampton Inn that's pet friendly (oh, did I mention we rented a mini-van so we could take the dog, 2 cats, baby, and all our stuff with us??) - a place we've used quite a bit over the last decade from road trips to NC to hurricane evacuations.  The first day's ride was MUCH better than expected considering how terrible the start to the day was.  Clementine has developed a habit of melting down in the car if the conditions aren't perfect (or if she's alone in the back seat) - and it's scary because she gets so worked up she starts coughing and gagging and clearly can't breathe so we have to hastily pull over so I can nurse her to calm her down (at which point she's so worked up her skin feels like it's 1000 degrees).  But she slept most of the ride until the last hour - it was pretty bad when she was awake but tired and not happy while I tried everything to soothe/distract her so we could keep driving.   Luckily we made it safely and got upgraded to a suite which made life easier.  We all had a good but quick night of sleep before starting all over again the next morning.  The second day of driving was the longest of our lives and it would not be overstating it to say we were traumatized.  I was literally considering flying home for the return drive because the stretch between Atlanta and North Carolina was so awful.  It took us 7.5 hours but it felt like 12 (and should have been 6).  Despite the horror and chaos the pets were actually really good about everything thankfully.

Once we arrived, NC was a welcome 2 week vacation of family, relaxation, cooking, and me sort of feeling like I had a life again.  We also watched C bloom while we were there - for Wade's birthday she discovered her voice (sounds like she's calling dolphins), got proficient at rolling over, developed some neck muscles (no more potato head!), gave us a tiny preview of her giggle, started doing tiny baby crunches/situps, and got really good at grasping things.  She was clearly going through a big developmental milestone which explained the tough week we had at home right beforehand.  She was finally able to meet her Grammy and Grampy (Wade's parents) - NC is the perfect midpoint between our house and theirs so it was easier for us to both drive rather than figure out a plane flight.  It was a lot of fun and we tried to capture as much of it as we could in pictures and video.  Wade and I were able to enjoy our first date night, which consisted of us running downstairs to enjoy 30 minutes in the hot tub while watching fireflies - it was wonderful.  C also got to meet her Aunt Janis and Uncle Miles as well as her 2 cousins which was really sweet to watch.  Another first - I finally conquered nursing in public and feel fairly confident with that now (thanks REI and Mast General Store!).  I tried practicing just about everywhere we went which C seemed to need anyway (remotely hungry baby + carseat = disaster) and it was good practice for her nursing with lots of distractions around (maybe that's how she built up her neck muscles - craning to get a look at everything going on around her!)  Every day we were there we practiced trying to get C to take a bottle, but still had very little luck.  Although we did find a sake cup that we've had more luck with so that's a start.  Maybe she'll skip the bottle and go right to a cup?  Originally we were planning to also take C camping for the first time, but the weather rained out our window so we had to scale it back to a picnic and a short hike instead.  On our last day we headed to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park to check out the campground we were going to use as well as picnic at a nearby area I had read good things about.  It was a gorgeous area and a fun little adventure.  We hope to come back to take Clementine camping there someday soon.  I've posted our photos and videos to our Picasa site.  The drive home was bittersweet, and tough on Little C again so we weren't able to stop in Atlanta which made us sad, but it was clear we needed to get the drive over with as soon as possible for everyone's mental health.

And the big news for the month - Wade got a new job!  He'll be a Senior Data Scientist for a health benefits company in Tampa that 2 of our friends work for.  It means Wade has to commute now (sad face), but at least it's a relatively short commute and eventually he'll get to work from home one day a week.  He's making enough money for us to survive now, which is a good thing since we were pretty much out of funds with my maternity leave.  (I've been working on finding some projects, but nothing solid yet.)  It also means I can work less to stay home with C, but we can afford to get some part-time help with her when I do have work coming in.  Oh yeah, and finally having extra money for things like a college fund and retirement fund will also be a welcome change!  Wade is also enjoying finally being able to say "That's what they pay me the big bucks for" and it finally be true. ;)

It's raining tacos

Although I'm on a restricted diet (no: gluten, dairy, soy; vegetarian) as a precaution against potential allergies for Little C, I'm finding it's not that bad.  We'll be vegetarian and gluten free no matter what, but there are a few dairy and soy things I do miss: miso soup, quesadillas, hard cheese, greek yogurt.  Once Clementine hits the 6 month mark I can test eating some of these to see if she has a reaction or not.  Despite all these food restrictions (or maybe because of them) she's growing like a weed and we think she's over 16lbs now (she turns 16 weeks next week)!  We also had to loosen her car seat straps this past weekend too and she is starting to look comically large for the co-sleeper.

In the mean time, I am finding that Little C has recently taken a sudden interest in watching me eat.  I frequently find myself nursing her while I'm eating and we joke that she just doesn't like eating alone.  She's pretty much been this way from the beginning so a food tray was my savior for the first two months until we managed to find a way for me to nurse and eat at the dining room table.  Now that she's eating mostly at the table with me I'm finding she is fascinated by watching me eat and even tries imitating my chewing!  Apparently she's already counting down the days until she can start solids.  

She has also been practicing swatting at my fork/spoon/hand while they are conveying food, which has ended in more than a few mishaps.  What I have noticed is that I am starting to hate some of my favorite foods given their poor ability to be transferred successful over a long distance from my plate to my face without raining/dripping down on a nursing baby - I'm looking at you: tacos, salad, soup, tacos, beans and rice, cereal, watermelon, tacos, mulberries, poached eggs, and wraps/sandwiches.  At this point I have officially dirtied more of her clothes than she has.  And I've almost lost it on numerous occasions when we have hot tasty tacos waiting and she decides she needs to eat at the exact moment they hit the table - cold tacos are pretty awful in my book and we eat them a lot so it's a constant challenge.

Other than that, I'm relieved she doesn't seem to mind strong tasting foods (onions, garlic) or spicy foods so we're hoping that'll mean she'll be an open minded eater with us.

Adjusted expectations

I have had some moments in the last week that made me laugh as I compared what I now consider normal to what I originally thought we'd do after Clementine's arrival.  For example:

1. Before: Snuggles in bed with the cats are wonderfully fun, After: Kitty snuggles now feel like a downright spa-like experience since they only want to provide purring sound therapy, apply themselves like heat rocks to my sore spots, and massage me - it's particularly nice because they want nothing from me in return and never cry!
2. Before: We'll only need one heavy-duty stroller for long walks around the neighborhood or for park trails and I'll use the pack when running errands, After: Little C likes to be held and carried but not squished in a pack when she's tired, especially by me.  Hello, umbrella stroller!
3. Before: Little C will sleep in the co-sleeper at night until she's too big then move into her room and crib after a few months.  (How do people sleep with a baby in their bed?!)   After: In the hospital it was clear she was happiest close to us in our arms and within a half hour of us being home she was sleeping in our bed and... we're ok with that.  She sleeps, we sleep, everyone is happy.  It's sweet waking up to snuggly baby smiles (and hilarious baby toots) - now we need a bigger bed. ;)
4. Before:  Nursing in front of people is going to feel awkward.  After:  My boobs are a useful, functional tool (that's what they're made for) that I need to use frequently, much like my hands, and it seems impractical, if not hilarious, to cover up my hands so why should I cover my boobs?  (lol, seriously)
5. Before:  Where can I hide while I'm nursing in public?  After:  Where can I find good arm support while I'm nursing in public?  I don't hide when I eat my meals, why should Clementine hide when she eats hers?  Shame on people for suggesting babies should eat in unsanitary bathroom stalls - would you eat your meal in the restaurant bathroom?  Ick.
6. Before:  I am terrible with kids and don't know how to entertain them.  After:  I am terrible with kids and don't know how to entertain them or put them to sleep (nursing her to sleep doesn't count since it means I'm stuck under her until she wakes up).

So far we've been pleasantly surprised that we were assuming the worst as far as sleepless nights and bodily fluids go, but it's actually been much better than we feared.  All in all the hardest part for me has actually been feeling like I'm stuck in a cave under a nursing or sleeping baby.  But weekly lunches with friends who come over have helped and we're trying to get out more with her (even if it's only a nightly walk) and that's helped.

And here's your daily dose of baby sugar:

Good morning sunshine!